That’s ok

pandad
A panda doing yoga…obviously. courtesy of Desibucket

In some sports and activities you’re actively encouraged to compare yourself to other people, keep a close eye on the ‘competition’, be better than them and then it’s that which drives you and which pushes you to be better.

When I was younger I used to feel jealous (eugh such an ugly word) about so many things – both stupidly small and horribly big and I’ve spent years quietly and sometimes not so quietly battling my own world of self doubt about myself – my body mainly and constantly wishing and wanting to look the way others do and be able to do as others do. As I’ve got older I’m slowly (like a half dead snail kind of slow) learning to overcome this, but comparison is not a healthy tool for me – it doesn’t encourage me, it doesn’t help me strive to be better, it just makes me feel worse.

When I first started taking yoga seriously and going more than once every blue moon, I instantly began comparing myself to everyone else, with no idea where they were on their journey, how long they’d been doing yoga for or what makes up their bodies, how their particular bones, muscles and joints work. All I saw around me were yogi’s touching their toes, standing on their heads or deep in meditation and I instantly began to berate myself – i can barely touch my toes, i get dizzy and want to throw up if i try to stand on my head and whenever i try to meditate i fall asleep (hence why shavasana is and will always be my favourite part of my practice).

I even wrote in my first blog post here to give it time and I’ll be just as good as those beautiful Lululemon wearing yogi warriors.

In my first class at Putney’s The House of Yoga, I had a teacher, Monika, who reminded everyone to not judge yourself, that where you are in your practice that morning is exactly where you’re supposed to be, so if your downward dog feels a little different to last time, that’s ok – if your heels aren’t quite touching the mat – that’s ok, they might get there one day or they might not. Your body just might not be made that way.

And as the weeks have gone on I’ve realised she’s right. I have some days where i flow through sequences and can find peace and balance in my practice, feel all at one and very zen like and then there are days where I’m jumping about like an elephant, shaking like a leaf and feeling like my heels will never ever in a million years touch that sodding mat. These feelings happen from one day to the next and I just have to accept that at this stage in my journey I’m still finding my feet, I’m still learning how my body works and responds to the strain of half pigeon (not well…not well at all) and the many other poses I find myself in.

I had a class again this morning with Monika and she got us to do a sequence or two with our eyes closed, so that we could all do cat and cow and wave our bums about in the air without fear of any judgement from anyone and it was glorious – for a few seconds i  waved my bum in every direction and forgot to care about what I looked like, what other people might think and whether my bum looked like that of the girl next to me!

So, not only have I realised that I have to stop comparing myself to others, I have to stop comparing myself to myself, stop judging and start being nicer to myself – every time i compare myself to anything it’s the equivalent of giving myself a tiny punch on the arm – if i keep comparing and keep punching eventually that shit’s going to hurt, quite unnecessarily so. And that’s just NOT ok.

Life in Numbers

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, since I’ve had the energy to put fingers to keypad, somewhat like pen to paper, but probably less therapeutic and romantic, and felt like I had anything to write about. As per usual time ran away with itself and I blinked and all of a sudden it was the 1st January 2017!

I spent New Year in Vancouver, Canada with some friends and it was pretty epic. While I was there I spent a lot of time with an old pal, Beanie,  who had moved to Vancouver about 5 years ago. We had kept in contact over the years here and there but it was great to spend time with her again and rekindle such a fun friendship. One of the many things that we talked about over a drink (or two) was the future and what it had in store for us and how wouldn’t it be great to just be able to look through the window at life in five years time and see who’s sat round the table with us.

One evening Beanie introduced me to numerology and life cycles and on a jet lagged morning while i lay wide awake at 5am I did a bit of googling…

So, numerology deals with the significance of the numbers in our lives and those around us. Now I’m not pretending to be an expert, and I’ve only really looked into my own life cycle so don’t take this as bible.

In numerology one of the line of thoughts is that we all go through a nine year cycle continuously and once a nine year cycle is finished, a new one begins.

To figure out where you currently are in the cycle all you have to do is write down your birth day and the month of your birthday and then the current year and add all the digits together until you get to a single number.

For me, my birthday is 18th September and the current year is 2017.

So…

18.09

2017

1 + 8 + 9 = 18

1 + 8 = 9

Current year = 2 + 0 + 1 + 7 = 10

1 + 0 = 1

Finally add 9 + 1 = 10

1 + 0 = 1

This means that I am in the first stage/year of my cycle, which excited me very much because it’s the year of adventure, it’s the year of doing, of letting go of the past and starting new beginnings. I found a great description here.

nine-year-cycle
courtesy of http://mysticalnumbers.com

You know how sometimes you need a sign, something to tell you that the things you’ve been pining over and plotting and scheming in your head are the right things to do? Well this was mine.

This time last year I was on a beach somewhere in Cambodia in the middle of a 5 month ‘jaunt’ around SE Asia working on my tan and devouring as many books as i possibly could (i did a great job on both FYI). And I had the time of my life, i met some great people, saw some incredible sunsets and have memories that will truly last me a lifetime. But, i came home to friends who were buying houses, getting engaged, getting promotions and ticking stuff off of that ‘things that you should be doing with your life’ list. And i thought fuck, is this what I should be aiming for? So i tried and i keep trying but it just doesn’t feel right, there’s always a little niggle in my chest, like i feel it physically, that this isn’t meant for me, not ‘not ever’ just not ‘right now’.

This adventure streak of mine popped up quite late in the game, I’m 30 years old now, so you can see why my mother is probably having mild panic attacks at me not being able to fit everything in in life that she think I’m supposed to. Don’t ask me what i spent my twenties doing…i was too drunk or high to remember, but it was fun – i can tell you that much. (Rereading this I’m not suggesting that 30 is old as fuck, but society LOVES to tell females that it is). I think i spent most of my twenties telling myself ‘next year, there’s always next year’ but I eventually became bored of that, I didn’t want to wait anymore, i wanted to do, to go, to see.

I tried to quash these voices, to shut em up, but now it feels like someone’s poking the sleeping adventure bear, who got all comfy and cosy and thought it was time to hibernate for another ten years. But now she’s waking and sitting up, rubbing her eyes and she’s asking ‘OK, what are we doing then?’.